Ezekiel 34:10-16 - The Shepherd and Me

What I imagined a shepherd would do is to look after all the injured and the weak sheep. The strong ones will probably be able to graze fine without any help. If I were a shepherd, I'd do the same.

My friend owns a couple of budgies, and he takes extra care of the one who's hurt at birth.

The flower that's almost dying is the one that gardeners will spend more time tending.

I imagined myself as a sheep. Probably a weakly annoying demented one, who thinks that everyone else is demented because everyone else is the "different" one. The shepherd would probably be urging me on and shove me to different places where I can graze easier, and I'd look to all the healthy sheep thinking "Aren't I blessed to have the shepherd care about me like that?". But the truth is, only the weak needs caring. HAHAHA

"I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak"

Duty vs Passion

Duty: something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation.
Passion: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

They don't seem like words that have any relationship with each other at all or whatsoever. I used to think that you can either be dutiful, or passionate, because they are mutually exclusive.

I used to be passionate. I would do devotion in near meditation-style ways, and pray in positions that might raise eyebrows of conservatives. I used to sing with action, full of joy. Songs of praise brought me to tears, sometimes I couldn't sing because I was too "emotional". I woke up wanting more of the Bible, I prayed for decades long. There was so much joy in what I do.

And then, I don't know when, the fire started to dim. I realised that I wasn't that efficient as a passionate person. It was also quite weak of me, because tears would be quite common in random songs or movie clips. So I chose to be a dutiful person. A voice kept telling me that, as I'm placed in different roles, I'll have to fulfill different criterias or fit certain requirements. Things started becoming routine. Devotion was a task, same with equipping myself and serving.

Duty works out to be more efficient than passion. But it drains. Because it was never meant to be a duty. Serving is a response to what God has done, not set things that we must complete.

My mentor reminded me that maybe I'm actually quite emotional and passionate. There's a lot of things that I might actually care about, but because it doesn't fit the cold-dutiful person I'm trying to be, I get ticked off whenever people compliment me in my "passion".

My mentors and a dear brother asked me, how can I look so normal and happy and "spastic" (using their words) when there's so much going on? Well, because it's a duty to not bring down the mood of everyone... right?

So what do I do now that I remember once upon a time I had feelings, but I've already mastered the arts of acting? But it's been so long since I've lost control of emotions... I've forgotten how, and I worry about the attachments it may bring...

Would I die without my phone?

Around 11 months ago, a revolutionary 800mhz pda phone was born. The Asus p565. Fastest cpu on any mobile phones.

I thought it was such a cool phone that I'll never be sick of, so I bought it outright.

I've never been so dependent on mobile phones before. That phone stored all my memories in photos, videos and messages. But most importantly, it was my brain. I no longer had to calculate anything, remember meeting/outing dates and event details (because I can go online and check my emails). I was no longer bored at any given time. The stylus gave me never experienced before speed in texting. There's a billion apps I could install on it, free.

One day, I left my phone at church. My life ended, I felt so insecure. I didn't know where I was supposed to be at any given time. Had I missed a meeting already?

The first opportunity I had, I fetched my phone back. But the same night I left it at a friend's house again. 2 days without my phone. I almost died.

A couple of months later, I was bored of the phone.

Newer smart phones came out. The N97. The HTC HD2 will be coming out. HTC Leo. Nokia X6. Countless ones.

But no, I succumbed into the temptations of the iPhone 3Gs. A phone that was slower, weaker, less flexible and had a much worse battery life than my old phone. But it had the advantage of communication. Ping. For this, I went on a contract, yes, 2 years.

I bought that 2 weeks or so ago. Am I bored/frustrated with the phone already? Yes.

But I would still die without my phone.

So I bought a 2nd simcard for my old phone. I now have 2 phones which I use simultaneously. But how long will it quench my boredom?

Ezekiel 18:17 "takes no usury or excessive interest". Oh such concept is so foreign to me!

Ezekiel 18:14-17 - Learn from the Worst

I don't eat at pagan shrines,

I don't worship pagan idols,

I don't seduce my neighbour's wife (um...),

Okay 1st 3 points is WIN.

I do oppress some people,

I do refuse to loan money or things sometimes,

I do steal (from my boss for bludging, downloading, stealing people's time etc),

I do refuse food for the hungry (or giving the needy whatever they need at the time),

I do live by impulse and greed,

I do exploit the poor or the less unfortunate,

6 points failed.

I don't do what the law and the decrees say.

Ultimate fail.

There's this person who is somewhat close, who I think to myself "I'm glad he/she is like that, so I can be reminded not to be like that". Man, I wonder how many people are using me as a bad example, because I would be the perfect one.

But one thing that I did learn is that, I must know my laws and decrees even better.

Ezekiel 3:1-11 - A Mouthful

Ezekiel tasted the sacred scroll by literally eating it, and he said it tasted like honey.

The scripture used to taste like honey to me, I would long to read it every day whenever I had spare time. But now, it's more like water. I drink it whenever I'm idle, but then once in a while when I'm thirsty I grab it too. But there's less sweetness to it, it's more like it's just there to sustain me.

I wonder what it would be like one day that I'll have all these words inside of me.

All of my inmost being will be filled with wisdom.

Honey.

Ezekiel

Devotions on the Book of Ezekiel

Ezekiel 3:1-11 - A Mouthful
Ezekiel 18:14-17 - Learn from the Worst

Ezekiel 34:10-16 - The Shepherd and Me

19 October 2009

God Encounters...

A lot has happened in the past week.

Starting from Sunday, our pastor gave us a talk about exclusiveness and favouritism, only to the core bunch of kids and 2 leaders though. The issue really bothers the kids and myself... So I'm glad it's being addressed, even though there's been some disagreements on how we should tackle it. Straight after the talk, I couldn't control myself and organised another exclusive dinner at my place.

Tuesday, for the dinner, two of my beloved mentors came and spoke to us about the issue. I'm glad that we all found it beneficial and inspiring. After everyone left at around 11.30pm, my mentors stayed with me until 1 or 2am just solving all my problems... I am so blessed. I made a promise to at least pass all 4 of my university subjects. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, I felt extra agitated. Maybe because it was when my dad went into the hospital for an operation. At night, I basically was very evil to everyone, and was in generally a bad mood. I said something very cold and heartless to a friend, and I had no shame.

Thursday, when I woke up, it has finally hit me what I did. I intentionally hurt someone verbally. Many bible verses came into my head, especially James. Isn't it scary that you can raze something down to zero in like 30min, something that took years to build up? It bothered me for the whole day, but I still haven't apologised or told anyone yet. At night, for no reason at all, a brother kept urging for me to call her - all in the name of Church Serving. I shirked it off by making him call with my phone. That's when I realised there's now a problem, because I can no longer act normal anymore because of guilt, and we kind of do group devotion together...

Friday, with the help of a brother and a sister I finally apologised. But it was still extremely weird. At night I ate with my other mentor. She thinks I screwed up and suggested me to deal with it in person. Then it struck me that... oh no... we have to see each other in person on Sunday, and I'm teaching Sunday School too. It will be so awkward.

Saturday, I had the intention of going home after a 21st. But unfortunately I drank, a lot, because I felt so frustrated. So I couldn't drive home. I spent the whole night trying to be antisocial, and dreading for the arrival of Sunday. I tried to grab all my peers to sit in my class to make things "less awkward". I also discovered that another brother had a similar problem to me, and we both have to "deal with someone 1 on 1" and so it felt better to have a comrade. We planned how it's going to work on Sunday and we'll both do something about it after Sunday School.

Sunday came. It was really nerve wrecking, before and during Sunday School. The class was dead because I was being awkward. Afterwards, I tried to action it, but someone else kind of sat next to me, and I'm like FAR OUT can't you see I'm trying to do something here? The other brother failed as well, all we could do is SMS each other proclaiming our failures. After service, we had church cleaning, and so we both tried to do it again. But we both failed because there were other people, and it was generally too scary and awkward. We seriously tried 10x but failed every single attempt. So I escaped with my mentors early for lunch, because I couldn't stand it any longer. I've drawn out boundaries for myself, and what servings I need to drop for next year. At night I've also tried to solve my evilness problem, because God randomly created an opportunity where another sister was making me call her. It was awkward on the phone but at least it's getting there.

God works in subtle ways to provide, it's cool how we're doing Esther for SS at the moment.

Lamentations 5:1-17 - Remember, God, all we've been through

Israel was arrogant, and kept turning away from God, knowing well what the consequences would be.

Jesus said: O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing! (in Luke 13:34)

Now Israel is humbled, and are saying "Because of this our hearts are faint, because of these thigns our eyes grow dim". They are suffering.

Jesus has twice found me, after I turned away. So in a sense I'm like Israel.

My arrogance struck again. I don't like how these wings of the Hen feels like at the moment.

Remember, O Lord, what has happened to me. Be gentle for I am weak.

Lamentations 3:52-58 - In the pit

This was written when Jeremiah was sinking into the mud, when he was thrown into the cistern. He says the water is like filling up the pit, over his head!

I can somewhat resonate with that, it's like being drowned out... by work, people, service, but mainly drowned out by my own desires and wrong motives. It's harder and harder to breath, movement is hard, and I'm getting more and more comfortable.

Don't shut Your ears Lord, Save me! Then You told me that It's going to be all right.

Lamentations 3:19-30 - When disappointment comes

Lamentations is such a sad book, I reckon I could write a Lamentations of (insert my name instead of Jeremiah's) at the moment.

Every time I try to visualise what the Israelites must've felt to lose such a glorious temple, my heart crushes. All its splendor, and glory... and on top of that Jeremiah here is lamenting over the destruction of Jerusalem.

"When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: wait for hope to appear."

I'm waiting... but I'm so impatient and You know it! PLEASE!!~!

Lamentations

Devotions on the Book of Lamentations

Lamentations 3:19-30 - When disappointment comes

Lamentations 3:52-58 - In the pit

Lamentations 5:1-17 - Remember, God, all we've been through

Calling... Answering... Pruning...

So... in 2007 I received my first calling. It was during a workshop at church run by Pastor Leung. In the middle of the whole-day workshop, he got us to do a devotion. So I went off somewhere, and because there was nobody in the English congregation there besides E and I, we did it in pretty close proximity to each other. After reading the passage, I couldn't concentrate, and could only think about Isaiah 6. I think that was my first calling, however, I didn't think much of it and just prayed for a confirmation if it was.

I forgot about it for a year, and nothing really happened. Until the end of Semester 1 of 2008(2nd year) where my outreach partner kept urging for me to go into fulltime service in outreach. Then I finally told him my 1st calling, there he thought he could be my confirmation. I didn't think it was anything, and prayed for a 2nd confirmation.

Nothing happened again for another year, a few weeks ago, my pastor talked about how I can go into fulltime ministry, serving in mission organisations with my commerce qualifications like his friend. I thought of it as a really awesome idea but didn't think much of it back then. 2nd confirmation/3rd calling.

The Sunday afterwards, my teachers/mentors/friends took me out to do devotion outdoor. When we came down to the second passage, it was the passage that I did devotion on during the first calling, Mark 4 where Jesus calmed the storm. Verse of the day: "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" I do have faith... but very little faith... And I'm quite afraid.

I asked God 3 questions, that if He answers I think I will be pretty certain of the calling. First question was provision, second being my family and relatives' support, and finally, my belief of a female missionary shall only be an assistant to their husband. I'm not a big fan of female full time servants where their partner is not a full time servant either.

Since these things happened, everything's been moving so quickly.

Saturday I decided to tell my parents about my callings. Mum and Dad supports me spiritually, 100%. "As long as we're still alive, we will support you financially to do whatever God calls you to do". That's what Dad said. I cried in the car while driving. Thank God for Sunnies. Dad agreed with me that I should wait until Grandpa is no longer around, since he has a lot of expectations on me which I need to fulfill due to my love for him. Going into ministry will shatter him. So, question 1 and question 2 were answered by God through my parents. Thanks!

Friday, I made a mistake, I think while I was showing favouritism on stage, where a youth was quite offended by my actions. Last Monday, I was "suggested" by higher authorities that I should no longer teach my year11-12 Sunday School Class if other people are going to be offended by my favouritism. I swore in my head the entire morning. Next year, I would be teaching my original class again, and I've been waiting for that for the entirety of this year. I decided that I won't give that up without a fight, but chances are slim.

On Wednesday, after spending a terrific night visiting my beloved high school, I came home to some sudden news. Dad had an interview to go to in Hong Kong. If he were to be successful, my parents will return to Hong Kong for good. I am now left with the decision to go back, or not. Option a, stay here and live alone. Option b, go on exchange to Hong Kong for a year and finish off my Bachelor of Commerce and just get a diploma in Arts.

These two events shocked me, because they happened in such a short span of time. Things that I thought I had control over, I actually didn't. Luke 9:23 "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I'm being pruned.

Thursday I had a good chat with a very close sis of mine from CCF while I jigged Jap, and my mentor over lunch. I'm so thankful that every step of the way, He puts people there who lifts me up. People who smack some sense in me, and confronts me with God's Word to aid me in my decisions.

Pruning hurts. I'm normally so strong, but I finally succumbed to emo'ness this time. My first motivation to teach Sunday School was because of my nerdiness with the Bible, I just loved preparing lessons and Bible Studies so much. I chose that class for the age group, and if I had to be totally honest with myself, because I had people in that class who I favour. Now my motivation is just purely because of the students. I only want to teach them. Maybe I've already placed that above God and His plans. Pruning. Sucks. Maybe God's preparing for me to let go of everything that I grasp onto dearly, just so that I would be always "available" to do anything He calls me to do, anytime.

My parents leaving is another process of pruning. It will bring about many changes and decisions that I have to make. HK or Sydney? Keep house or move out? Move in with who? Where will my extra needed time be? What to do with the car? However, if my parents are not living in Sydney, then I would have one less thing to hinder me if God ever calls me to do anything. Preparing for me to let go.

I haven't decided what to do yet, whether to stay in Sydney or go back to Hong Kong. But I do know one thing, especially after today (Sunday). I sincerely want to see my students grow up and take over us as leaders. I want to see them glorify You, just as my grandfather wants to see me graduate. I want to see them talking to You, living a life with You and for You, I want to see the day where I watch them do something and I can proudly say "I taught them!" But this paragraph is all about "I want", so it can be disregarded. Today in Sunday School I taught about Joshua's final speech to the Israelites, where after Joshua asked them "Have you chosen to side with God?" they responded to Joshua using his quotes, showing that they were listening to Joshua. I'm pretty sure Joshua was majorly thrilled. Every time my students say "I remember you said..." or "I remember you shared about..." I am absolutely thrilled. So it's true, I am biased. If this isn't favouritism, then I don't know what is.

Lord, pruning really hurts. I don't want to give up these heavy branches. Please be gentle with me, a weak servant.

Jeremiah 51:1-5 - God's Deep Commitment

It's scary sometimes reading about prophesies... about how God will punish Babylon and bring back Israel. Because it has all happened. He never left Israel, and according to the NT, we are now included in His promises for Israel. Which means, He has never, and will never forsake us.

God's destruction of Babylon is a cleanup.

His commitment to Israel is a promise, fulfilled in the existence of Israel today.

What is God saying about areas in my life such as my hobbies, how I spend my weekends, relationships, my attitudes for uni and work... I think it's been a little too clear. Please prune me, gently, because it hurts, but I don't want to be destroyed.