Duty vs Passion

Duty: something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation.
Passion: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything.

They don't seem like words that have any relationship with each other at all or whatsoever. I used to think that you can either be dutiful, or passionate, because they are mutually exclusive.

I used to be passionate. I would do devotion in near meditation-style ways, and pray in positions that might raise eyebrows of conservatives. I used to sing with action, full of joy. Songs of praise brought me to tears, sometimes I couldn't sing because I was too "emotional". I woke up wanting more of the Bible, I prayed for decades long. There was so much joy in what I do.

And then, I don't know when, the fire started to dim. I realised that I wasn't that efficient as a passionate person. It was also quite weak of me, because tears would be quite common in random songs or movie clips. So I chose to be a dutiful person. A voice kept telling me that, as I'm placed in different roles, I'll have to fulfill different criterias or fit certain requirements. Things started becoming routine. Devotion was a task, same with equipping myself and serving.

Duty works out to be more efficient than passion. But it drains. Because it was never meant to be a duty. Serving is a response to what God has done, not set things that we must complete.

My mentor reminded me that maybe I'm actually quite emotional and passionate. There's a lot of things that I might actually care about, but because it doesn't fit the cold-dutiful person I'm trying to be, I get ticked off whenever people compliment me in my "passion".

My mentors and a dear brother asked me, how can I look so normal and happy and "spastic" (using their words) when there's so much going on? Well, because it's a duty to not bring down the mood of everyone... right?

So what do I do now that I remember once upon a time I had feelings, but I've already mastered the arts of acting? But it's been so long since I've lost control of emotions... I've forgotten how, and I worry about the attachments it may bring...