19 October 2009

God Encounters...

A lot has happened in the past week.

Starting from Sunday, our pastor gave us a talk about exclusiveness and favouritism, only to the core bunch of kids and 2 leaders though. The issue really bothers the kids and myself... So I'm glad it's being addressed, even though there's been some disagreements on how we should tackle it. Straight after the talk, I couldn't control myself and organised another exclusive dinner at my place.

Tuesday, for the dinner, two of my beloved mentors came and spoke to us about the issue. I'm glad that we all found it beneficial and inspiring. After everyone left at around 11.30pm, my mentors stayed with me until 1 or 2am just solving all my problems... I am so blessed. I made a promise to at least pass all 4 of my university subjects. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, I felt extra agitated. Maybe because it was when my dad went into the hospital for an operation. At night, I basically was very evil to everyone, and was in generally a bad mood. I said something very cold and heartless to a friend, and I had no shame.

Thursday, when I woke up, it has finally hit me what I did. I intentionally hurt someone verbally. Many bible verses came into my head, especially James. Isn't it scary that you can raze something down to zero in like 30min, something that took years to build up? It bothered me for the whole day, but I still haven't apologised or told anyone yet. At night, for no reason at all, a brother kept urging for me to call her - all in the name of Church Serving. I shirked it off by making him call with my phone. That's when I realised there's now a problem, because I can no longer act normal anymore because of guilt, and we kind of do group devotion together...

Friday, with the help of a brother and a sister I finally apologised. But it was still extremely weird. At night I ate with my other mentor. She thinks I screwed up and suggested me to deal with it in person. Then it struck me that... oh no... we have to see each other in person on Sunday, and I'm teaching Sunday School too. It will be so awkward.

Saturday, I had the intention of going home after a 21st. But unfortunately I drank, a lot, because I felt so frustrated. So I couldn't drive home. I spent the whole night trying to be antisocial, and dreading for the arrival of Sunday. I tried to grab all my peers to sit in my class to make things "less awkward". I also discovered that another brother had a similar problem to me, and we both have to "deal with someone 1 on 1" and so it felt better to have a comrade. We planned how it's going to work on Sunday and we'll both do something about it after Sunday School.

Sunday came. It was really nerve wrecking, before and during Sunday School. The class was dead because I was being awkward. Afterwards, I tried to action it, but someone else kind of sat next to me, and I'm like FAR OUT can't you see I'm trying to do something here? The other brother failed as well, all we could do is SMS each other proclaiming our failures. After service, we had church cleaning, and so we both tried to do it again. But we both failed because there were other people, and it was generally too scary and awkward. We seriously tried 10x but failed every single attempt. So I escaped with my mentors early for lunch, because I couldn't stand it any longer. I've drawn out boundaries for myself, and what servings I need to drop for next year. At night I've also tried to solve my evilness problem, because God randomly created an opportunity where another sister was making me call her. It was awkward on the phone but at least it's getting there.

God works in subtle ways to provide, it's cool how we're doing Esther for SS at the moment.