12 Jan 2010

A long overdue reflection on what God has done... since 30 November?

My trusty calendar reminded me that since then, I've failed audit, been through 9x 21sts, 1x 18th, farewelled 5 people, cooked many meals, got in trouble 2x, dropped UBF, decided to focus on Jwalking, sacked from Sunday school, had like 10 Christmas parties and 3 New years parties even though there's only 1 day of Christmas and 1 day of NY, booked my 21st venue, car broke down, splurged a lot of money and wasted a hell lot of time.

Here I am thinking, yeah, God was in the midst of all those, the end.

I've survived so many semesters, and finally, my gifts have run out. First failure amongst anyone significant.

After Jamberoo, I realised that I really didn't want to teach the year 7-8 class. But we have a 1 year agreement, right? So I'll continue to pray about it until the 10th of December 2010. If I'm still suffering from birth pains, then you are so dead. I try so hard to act the same age as them, but it's so different. There's a reason why I never wanted to teach year 7-8, and I never wanted to teach primary kids. I'm not a born entertainer, it takes a lot of energy out of me. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'm sentimental. I still go to the same church, my first church, whenever I go back to Hong Kong even though it's kind of far. I still try to get back in contact with my primary school friend. I still have that gold coin that was given to me when I was born. I hate changes, I just want everything to remain the same so I don't have to adjust. So why make me do this for?

On NYE I confirmed to myself... my heart is still serving the other group. I'm willing to give up so much, and try so hard to cater. My eyes are still looking out for them. JUST LET ME FINISH OFF MY WORK WHY DON'T YOU?!

My car died on 29th December, got stranded on Kent. LOL, so embarassing. This became the first argument I've had with my family for a long time, possibly the only one in 2009. Right before the year finished. I want a new car, they want to waste money fixing the dead car. I prayed. This morning mum tells me that I should get a new car. In a household where Mum Trumps, I thought that was a clear sign that God was working. I mean, she usually goes out of her way to disagree with my spending.

I don't feel like going to UBF anymore, what's wrong with me?

Materialistic? My parents think so, my friends also think I'm impulsive. Why do I have such little self control? We're supposed to be caretakers of what we have on earth, and use it for sacred purposes.

In December, I saw something beautiful happen. An image that inspired me for days, I can still see it now. It made me think, when did I have such an old perception of things that happen? When did I start assuming the role of a mother? I was just sitting there as they walked away into the house. Such a beautiful friendship.

The same December, I sent this really gay thing out. In response, I received a lot of other gay things. It's always nice to hear people say good things about you, even when they just do it out of politeness. At least I was important enough for them to send something out of politeness right?

Last Sunday. Sorry were you angry? Because I didn't tell you beforehand? But why do I have to invite you to EVERYTHING? Why must I let you know about all that I do? Hey, this time it wasn't secretive. It was open. I wasn't trying to hide it either, it's just that... maybe... just MAYBE... you have to accept the fact that you don't have to be part of every social group. If you think that way, then sorry, because I want to chillax, and I can't chill when you're there giving me pressure.

You're back!! =)

I feel like I've gained a sibling. Both parentless and successfully scabbed a dinner. Well maybe not gained, because perhaps I've always treated you like the little brother I never had.

And before I forget. Thank you Lord for putting so many people around me. I have to thank so many people after this... but I'm out of funds. They're people who appreciate thoughts rather than materials right? Maybe I can drill a recipe book and hopefully cook some edible feast. I don't know how else I can show my gratitude other than showing hospitality.